The New Progressive Bible

This is a hilarious satire updating the Bible to meet modern Leftist beliefs and values. Here's a taste. Full article here. 

The New Modern Library's Progressive Bible is written within a scope of only 200 words to make it accessible to everyone. It is produced in various versions, each of which targets a wide range of demographics, from God-free to God-lite (less than 3% opiate for the masses) to the Rick James "Superfreak" Version, and is suitable for any occasion - pick one that best fits your current moral needs. In the Egalitarian Bible, for instance, God is equal to everybody else in the story. He votes, drives a hybrid, is in debt, uses recreational drugs, hates Bush, participates in peace marches, complains about the minimum wage, and feels lousy about nothing like everybody else.

Exactly half of the characters are women (50% of the kings are now queens). Solomon is Shirley. Very few of the characters are Jews. Some of them are mentally retarded; the rest are progressive minorities, with the ever growing Hispanic representation and a vocal Muslim voting bloc, as well as a gay, lesbian, and transgender alliance, mirroring life itself.

Every progressive Christian worth his/her/its "pillar of salt" is sure to enjoy the revised story of Moses, whose crusading band of Zionist aggressors ambushed the disenfranchised Egyptian freedom fighters in what became known as the "Red Sea Massacre."

Other revised inspirational stories of moral relativism include:

·             The Organic Garden of Eden

·             Pharaoh Has Two Mummies

·             What Happens in Sodom and Gomorrah Stays in Sodom and Gomorrah

·             Noah Builds Ark to Survive Global Warming

·             Jonah Saves the Whale

·             David Appeases Goliath

·             The Bilingual Writing on the Wall

·             The Tower of Babel & The Controlled Demolition Theory

·             Uncle Samson & The NY Times Reporter Delilah

·             Judas The ACLU Lawyer

·             Joseph & Mary Celebrate Holiday Season By Donating Fetus To Federal Embryonic Stem Cell Bank

·             Government Program Feeds The Multitudes with Five "Whole Grain" Loaves And Two Non-Endangered Fishes