Don't Mess with Seasoned Citizens

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86
old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed
to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only
eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty
for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs
from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my
errant financial ways..

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal lwith
a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry
it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or
her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note
that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by
a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial
situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied
by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue
your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings
with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later
date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may,
on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for
the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May
I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client